21 June - Would-be leaders appeal to the hard of thinking
Hello;
my name is Rishi Sunak, I’m the man largely responsible for the monumental mess
in which we find ourselves now.
In my defence Boris Johnson caused the economy to crash with his draconian Covid
restrictions, I told him that it would pile up a trillion of debt and printing
money like there was no tomorrow was bound to end in tears but he made me do it.
We were pretty sure that masks and the two metre rule and no more than six
people together for Christmas was a load of old nonsense made up by mad
professors but as Matt Hancock has admitted, it was all part of our obsession with
keeping the little people under our thumbs. So we erred on the side of control freakery with a compliant police force more than keen to whack students
and coffee drinkers with £10,000 fines and criminal records.
I sincerely apologise for going along with all that but the alternative would be to put country and principles before political
ambition. If I had not remained Chancellor I would have lost the platform that
allowed me to stab Johnson in the back and pull strings in financial circles
such that the party membership’s choice of successor didn’t last very long,
I have already done a pretty good job of trashing her reputation and I
never tire of telling
you that Madam Truss was solely responsible for interest rates
jumping up and hitting you in the mortgage department. You may have noticed that
her malign influence was so enormous that interest rates rose to similar levels in Europe and in my
second home across the Pond. She is personally responsible for every ill that
has befallen my government that cannot be blamed on Vladimir, Boris or Wuhan. Believe me, itְ’s true.
Despite an unprecedented succession of mishaps I got inflation back down again
and I must thank Gordon Brown for handing that
responsibility to the Bank of England in 1997. One promise fulfilled out of
five is not really as bad as it looks.
I must ask you to accept that the highest level of tax since World War II is not
entirely my fault. Mostly but not entirely. I may have reneged on reducing Inheritance Tax
seven or eight times and kept the
energy prices much higher and for longer than Liz wanted but I reduced the rate of National Insurance back to what it was before I put it up.
You have to give me that one surely?
I could have reduced VAT on energy bills to 5% or even nothing but the Greenies and Boris’s missus were worried that the world might end if you
were able to afford to keep warm in Winter by turning up the
thermostat a notch or two. Fracking may have put the shipping companies out of business and the noses of Russian oligarchs out of joint so that,
I regret to say, was a total non-starter.
Probably Grant Shapps should not have funded the imposition of Low Traffic
Neighbourhoods which delay the emergency services and are hated by almost
everyone but I am not very good at arguing with all the lefties we have
allowed to infiltrate every aspect of public life. Yeah I know that David Cameron
promised a Bonfire of the Quangos in 2010 but he was screwed over by the
Lib-Dems and then he sort of forgot.
At much the same time that very same PM, or more precisely, his Chancellor George Osborne, began to squeeze local Councils by
starving them of funds as you will have seen with your Council Tax
bills. You may regard him as a Hooray Henry chump of a man but he hasn’t made too bad a job of being Foreign Secretary so
I hope you can forgive him for throwing a tantrum after he didn’t get his way over Brexit. Neither
was his successor Mrs. May quite as poor a political operator as you might remember. She was very
successful at undermining the wishes of the electorate with her Brexit shenanigans and very nearly losing out
to Jeremy Corbyn in 2017 proves nothing other than the Conservatives were regarded as not
quite as bad for the country as he would have been.
Boris Got Brexit Done, well in part anyway. I know we have done the dirty on
farmers, fishermen and Northern Irishmen but they don’t vote Conservative
anyway. One day I might get around to exploiting the Brexit advantages and, wherever sensible,
have a Bonfire of EU regulations. But not just yet in case my wet MPs object.
Maybe I should not have parachuted more of them into what used to be called safe seats
but I am not really in control of anything any more.
One thing you must give me credit for is the rescue operation mounted daily in
the English Channel; without that the hospitality industry would have gone bust
long ago and the lefty lawyers would not be able to support Rolls Royce Motors.
The cars are made in Sussex don’t you know? I always support British industry.
There are exceptions of course and not being able to make high grade steel or
aluminium is just an unfortunate by-product of my energy policies. Electricity prices
being five times higher than elsewhere makes an important contribution to getting the UK’s
share of
world pollution down from 1% to something nearer 0·99%.
Probably I should have done something about out of control Mayors but I thought
if you could see just how bad Socialist London and Wales performed it would
provide a taste of life under Labour rule as a dire warning to you all. I doubted that
you wanted extreme gender politics to become the norm but I now recognise
that my plan may not have worked out too well; but I am learning, honest I am. Taxes
will stop going up once we get to 2029, of that I am sure, well pretty sure. Jeremy says so and he knows best. He must do; Liz Truss appointed him.
Voter: I hear you but I don’t think I believe you have learned anything. You have had nearly two years
to display your Conservative credentials and recognising your mistakes only a month before a General Election fools no one.
Bye-bye Rishi, I hear California is nice at this time of the year.
Hi
there! I am Kier Starmer, son of a toolmaker and former big time Jeremy Corbyn supporter. I want you
to vote for me on 4th July. Pretty please. We have never had a real Trotskyite in Number 10 before.
The economy is in a mess mainly because the Tories didn’t let people starve when they
couldnֹ’t work due to the Covid panic. Johnson got pretty much everything about
locking down wrong, he should have gone for it earlier, harder and longer and
furlough contributed to wrecking the economy. I could have done that so much better than Sunak.
My ability to face in two directions at the same time is not confined to Covid economics. I am the supreme
master of that trick. Marx may have said it, Groucho not Karl, but I actually do it. If
you don’t like my opinions I have many others. Just ask; I’m your man. Vote Labour.
There was no need to stop workplace gatherings of more than six
during Covid and
it was certainly unnecessary for those with the foresight to cultivate friends in Durham. Boris
and his mates were just plain stupid, how difficult can it be to send a birthday
party invitation to the Met? An elementary mistake for any
accomplished political schemer and one that I would never make.
Rishi Sunak’s tax policies have been disastrous and he hasn’t a clue
about how ‘hard working people’ live. So unimaginative too. Not a word
from him on a renewed fuel duty escalator, hiking Council Tax and raiding the pockets of the richest 1% of the population is
a no-brainer. They only pay 30% of total tax revenue and they are bluffing when they
say they will bugger off abroad when I tax them harder than anyone else in Europe. I know your jobs might depend on them but they are
decent people who enjoy paying more tax. They won’t go anywhere. Trust me, my dad was a toolmaker.
I know you too are itching to do the decent thing for the economy by
paying Capital Gains Tax on houses and won’t mind your pension pot being raided
like when Labour was last in office. Good old Gordon; my absolute hero. Who else
would be so generous to poorer nations by flogging off all that gold at a knock down price? Anything he can do I can do better.
If you have put a bit away with the idea of
bettering yourself you won’t really mind me taxing it harder will you? It might make
raising the deposit on a house that little bit more difficult but you can go
back to live with your mum and dad. Did I tell you that mine was a toolmaker?
I will make amends by kicking private landlords as hard as I can.
When they decide to pack it all in you will find that you will soon get used to living in a cardboard
box. It’s for the greater good. i.e. me being in charge
and owning your own home is not all it is cracked up to be. I won’t own No.10
either and Carrie’s wallpaper is not what I would have chosen.
Bringing David Cameron back into government was pure desperation, had the
Conservatives no one on the Green Benches with the necessary talents? Pathetic.
At least I have David Lammy. The man is a genius and on a good day will outclass Joe Biden on the world stage.
Wales has been a wonderful example of Socialism in practice, if they can have
the longest NHS waiting times in the UK, England has an obligation to beat them
at their own game. Supermarkets being compelled to remove toys from their shelves
was an act of genius when children were unable to go to school or venture outside.
Only Welsh Labour would have thought of that and I am sure I can be just as brilliant if you let me try.
I will solve the rubber boat problem overnight, just charter a few P&O Ferries
and welcome all the rocket scientists and brain surgeons we so badly need. It will put
me on good terms with the French so that I can better renegotiate Brexit and Sadiq Khan
should be happy to see his knife crime statistics hit new highs. He has
said that white people do not belong in London and I am his number one fan. It’s a win win
and if women feel unsafe then they should man up and grow some balls. We will
have lots of new surgeons who are skilled at using very sharp instruments.
Extra taxes are only for rich people and you will never be rich under Labour so it is
perfectly safe to vote for me. Please. I have a country to wreck and the sooner I can start, the better.
Voter: Kier me ol’ mate, can I get this straight? You are telling me that you have a genius plan to solve the
immigrant problem overnight by letting anyone who wants to enter the country do so unrestricted and
put as many British people on the dole as possible, flood the doctors’ empty
waiting rooms put our women at more risk of harm; then as the icing on the cake
allow me to pay you more taxes and introduce 200 different genders, then yes; I
may not be very bright but even I can see the sense in that. You have my vote.